Realizing Harmony

It’s weird.  An hour or two ago I (finally!) finished sending out about 100 emails to friends, family, and a few acquaintances I’d been keeping in touch with – until about 4 months ago when we ran out of money to mail letters.

I’d already gotten back a few very nice, encouraging, and positive responses.  So I should be feeling up.  Right?

Well, it just ain’t so.

I’ve been feeling very lonely.  And on-my-own.

My wife has been here all day.  But because I shared a struggle with her with her (yes, I meant to say that!  Just re-read it if you don’t get it), she’s been avoiding me and feeling all hurt.  So we went out for a walk around the block to get some exercise and get the mail.  We talked a bit while we were walking, but I could tell anything I’d say would just cause more pain for her.  So I shut up.

We had dinner.  Mostly in silence.

She said she’s been trying to show me… I don’t remember what… Love?  Compassion?  Caring?  Interest?… whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t the message I was getting.  I was getting the message that she was hurt and avoiding me.  So I felt shunned.

It sucks to be alone.  Especially when you’re with someone and feeling alone.

I think Larry Norman expressed some of the emptiness in his song “Lonely By Myself”:

if i could find someone who really cared for me
someone to share my love and keep me company
if could find someone i’d let them take control
and in exchange for love i’d give my very soul

it’s such a lonely life
i almost cry each night
cause faith has put me on the shelf
i get so lonely, so lonely by my self

if i could find someone who’d really love me right
they’d make my life complete they’d make my soul shine bright
i’ve looked around the world i’ve walked down every street
still i can’t find no one to give me what i need

it’s such a lonely life
i almost cry each night
cause faith has put me, faith has put me on the shelf
i get so lonely so lonely by my self
i get so lonely, so lonely, so lonely by my self

who can i turn to
is there anybody there
doesn’t anybody care
oooohhh doesn’t anybody listen
doesn’t anybody care

(Wouldn’t you know it.  I tried to get that all to be centered, but the preview changes it all after the first paragraph.)

But for me it’s a little different.  More like being alone in a crowd.  Or alone on a stage in front of a crowd.  They’re all watching, and cheering you on, but none of them are really reaching out to touch you personally, just grabbing for a piece of you – if they’re reaching out at all – and they really only know your persona or stage caricature, not the real you.

It doesn’t help that we’re essentially broke.

We don’t have enough money to pay all our bills AND the mortgage this month.  It’s only due to a series of quiet miracles that we’ve made it this far without missing a payment.  And in the mail today came a notice that our 3 years on pest control is up, so now we have to come up with another (almost) $30 each month to pay for that.

and the fridge is almost bare

and the pantry’s getting there

at dinner I was asked if I wanted more chicken

I said no.

what I didn’t say was that I wanted to have enough money to be able to go out to eat

it wouldn’t have to be fancy, I’d just like the freedom to do that.

for now we have gas in the car & truck

but if I don’t hear back soon from the school on the piano loan agreement

we’ll be out of luck

we need to sell the house

but we can’t put it on the market until it’s staged

and we can’t stage it until the piano’s out of the living room

(it takes up more than half the space, making the room seem downright tiny)

and we can’t get the piano out until we know where it’s going

and the best shot we have of having a place for it is to loan it to the school

but the school is dragging it through their bureaucracy to get consensus

all the while my sense is

they’re looking a gift horse in the mouth.

they want nice pianos, but they can’t decide where to put one

they fought over how much to insure it for – both how much value

and against what problems

and they discussed at length the ability of their buildings to withstand their normal, common natural disasters, and whether they would get insurance to cover that kind of damage

all the while, ignoring my suggestion of the one insurance company that specializes in musical instruments, and covers them (rather cheaply) for everything except:

1. Normal wear & tear
2. Vermin
3. War
4. Nuclear War

(They’ve even recently added a clause to cover the instruments against Terrorist Attack!)

Finally… the VP who’s in charge of Finance stepped in and said forget all the discussion, the school will pay the freaking small amount to just get the instrument insured properly.

So NOW they need to go into lengthy discussions about my loan agreement.

Let’s see, what’s there to discuss?

I’ve proposed:

1. I make all the moving arrangements, and pay for moving it there, covering it with insurance the whole way.
2. I leave it with them for 5 years.
3. They need to insure it properly while it’s there.
4. They must take reasonable care of it (making sure, to the best of their ability, that only piano students and/or pianists play it; those playing it won’t be putting their mugs and/or glasses with liquid in them on it; it’s protected from damage from the elements and any construction/renovation they might do.)
5. They must tune it at least once a year (they normally tune all their pianos twice a year)
6. They must have any moves around the campus handled by professionals so it’s not damaged and those moving it are not hurt, or if they are – they’ve got their own insurance.
7. If they want me to take it back early, they’ll pay for the final move.

I think that’s pretty reasonable.  And they’ve already had the agreement for a week.  But they need to look it over longer.

It seems like in the worst way, that old cutesy line applies:

“If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

We need more money – it’s up to me to earn it.

We need the piano out – it’s up to me to make all the arrangements and get everyone to agree.

We need to get the house staged – it’s up to me to figure out what to sell, how much to sell it all for, what to give away, where to give it, and how to get it there, what to fix, how to fix it, and provide the labor and know-how (even if I’ve never done it before) to do the fixing.

And the list goes on and on and on.  Blech!!!

This pit is getting deep.  I’ll stop digging now.

Maybe some sleep will help a little.

After all, I have to be at the theater by 6am to help set up.